Stolen Kings and Iron Gods
Ted: Your background is important – who you are-
Ryan: If you’re Batman?
Alex: I could be the party face! I really want to make Krankor a Gunslinger so I can take Pistol Whip. ‘You said NO?’ Pistol Whip! Diplomacy!
Kevin: You’d have to name your gun Diplomacy!
Gina: Okay, by unanimous decision, we’ve elected Ryan King.
Alex: Did you pull the Sword from the Stone?
Ryan: No, a watery tart threw it at me!
Kevin: I want to play a druid who’s interested in technology to bring back extinct species like DINOSAURS!
Ryan: I am King Bard the Bard.
Alex: I want to carry a pistol AND a sword, so I can hit you with my sword and then show you Diplomacy!
Gina: Sweet, I rolled a natural 100!
Ted: For what?
Gina: Both my parents are DEAD.
Kevin: So you’re Batman.
Ted: It’s too bad it’s not for drinking Numerian fluid!
Kevin: I will convince them with my pointed wit!
Alex: That’s a dick joke.
Alex: Turkey is the food that my food eats.
Ted: That’s kind of horrifying.
Kevin: What IS your food?
Ted: Carnivorous cows, apparently!
Alex: A half Tengu, half orc sibling. A sister, so whatever you just thought of, you have to imagine the female version of that.
Ryan: It’s a bird.
Kevin: It’s a plane?
Alex: Gina, I had a failed relationship – maybe it was you!
Gina: I’m an elf, you’re a Tengu.
Kevin: It started as a PenPal romance, and then when you actually met, you were like, ‘I feel like there are things you should have mentioned.’
Ted: These catapults are nonfunctional.
Alex: That’s good.
Gina: That’s probably bad, actually.
Alex: But in this case no one is fetchez le vash.
Ryan: I was waiting for that to come out.
Ted: There’s a small feast prepared for you!
Kevin: It’s a feast of fetchez le vash.
Ryan: It’s better than the iron rations I’ve got.
Alex: Tack is pretty nasty stuff.
Alex: They probably sautéed the tack.
Ted: DON’T SWIM IN THE LAKE. DO NOT DRINK FROM THE LAKE.
Ryan: Don’t pee on the electric fence.
Alex: I drink from the lake.
Alex: Bandit by day, ballet dancer by night!
Gina: You’re a lucky duck today!
Alex: That’s another bird joke, you elf wench!
Alex: I take offense at you, ugly elf wench!
Gina: Get your bird hands off of me!
Alex: Bird hands, you elf wench! Wow, you have mushrooms growing from your ears.
Alex: We should order one pizza from Dominos and one from Pizza Hut and see which arrives first!
Ted: I’m just imaging a Snow Crash duel out there with katanas!
Alex: Patrick’s and my characters are now dating for sexy cutscenes.
Alex: Krankor laugh
Patrick: Can we move the table so Alex doesn’t have to scoot in?
Alex: You’re a black belt, do a flip.
Patrick moves table
Alex: You know, it’s really hard to type when the keyboard keeps moving away.
Patrick: You’re a black belt, do a flip.
Alex: Last time on Dragon Ball Z, we met a guy, found some Numerian fluid, I drank Numerian fluid, got super high, and my STATS ARE AWESOME.
Ryan: All for drinking poop water
Gina: Is that BECAUSE you’re high?
Alex: I DON’T KNOW.
Patrick: He has more wisdom from getting high than I do from 100 lifetimes.
Alex: I want an orc bard who carries around a church organ.
Alex: He got disowned for being a Babyback Bitch.
Alex: He knocked up a chambermaid.
Ryan: That doesn’t seem like the sort of thing a noble house would disown you for.
Kevin: Maybe the chambermaid was an orc.
Ted: That does seem to be going around in this group.
Alex: Don’t mess with my half orc sister Brunhilda!
Kevin: Is my character’s name correct?
Patrick: Dang it, it corrected to Ishiguro again!
Kevin: That’s not my name!
Ted: Too bad, Kevin, it is now.
Alex: Do you think the Numerian Fluid will hurt coming out?
Ted to Alex: ‘Are you a scavenger?’
Gina: HE’S A CROW.
Ted: Yeah, it came out really racist.
Alex: You’re crow-cist.
Alex: Come along, Brunhilda.
Patrick: Calling me by the wrong name isn’t going to get me into bed with you, man.
Ted: My brain just processed your ability as birdsong.
Kevin: Yes, he points at Alex and says, ‘SING’
Patrick: In the Krankor voice.
Ted: That’s horrifying.
Gina: So you can tie your banner to your spear! …Which is not a euphemism.
Kevin: But it SHOULD be.
Ted: Her kids have jobs, and lives.
Kevin: But NOT FOR LONG.
Alex to Ryan: Are you like a big game hunter?
Ted: …You’re adventurers.
Alex: I’m from Marinara.
Alex: Shell Onion.
Kevin: It’s too late. That ship has sailed. You’re Shell Onion.
Alex: Medivh Shell Onion.
Kevin: Other way around. Shell Onion Medivh.
Alex: You’re right.
Ted: Haps critically failed his intelligence check.
Alex: He’s been hitting the Numerian Fluid too.
Alex: I shoot his ass.
Kevin: Well, now he’s got some extra junk in his trunk.
Alex: He’s got a lead bullet in his gut. The lead poisoning is going to travel up his bloodstream to his heart and kill him.
Ted: Unless he becomes Iron Man first!
Alex: Don’t destroy the spider! I want it an awesome pet!
Patrick: My giant rhino mount has FETCH.
Alex: That means if it’s anything like Shosty, it’ll be destroyed anyway.
Kevin: To join a grapple, the first thing you do is have the announcer play your intro music.
Alex: I’m going to put it on my pony.
Gina: You had a donkey.
Alex: I have a pony!
Gina: It’s increasing in size every session! Three sessions from now you’ll have-
Kevin: A rhino!
Alex: Ted and Andy are the ones in a relationship, but Kevin is like the old fling that’s slowly coming back.
Gina: The cranberry orange cookies are better than the banana ones!
Kevin: You’re wrong.
Gina: We can agree to disagree.
Kevin: No, we can’t.
Ted: Your opinions are bad and you should feel bad.
Pranav: My deity is not evil. Just misunderstood!
Gina: Someone has to make dinner, Alex has to let the dog out, Ryan has-
Kevin: Who let the dogs out?
Alex: Last time on Dragon Ball Z, I fired my first shot and EPICALLY FAILED.
Ryan: I got set on fire and stop-dropped-and-rolled.
Kevin: It’s highly mutagenic goo, so Alex went and drank it!
Kevin: Ryan was a little TOO lawful for the party’s good.
Ted to Pranav: You’re using Profession(Barrister), not Diplomacy.
Kevin: I can’t be in a party with a lawyer.
Pranav: Right now I’m playing Good Cop, with potentially LOTS of Bad Cops.
Alex: Bandits, and a Laser Raptor.
Kevin: Laser Spider. Laser Raptors are a little higher CR.
Ryan: Birds. Gotta watch out for the birds.
Alex: F*** you, bird hater!
Kevin: I think we should rename these characters Olaf and Golbez.
Alex: Ryan is speaking to us from BEYOND THE CAN.
Ted: That’s kind of disturbing. Did he fall in?
Ted: Kesten wants the capture of a man named Falgren Sneeg
Kevin: That’s the name of a bad guy if I ever heard one.
Ryan: Oh, I didn’t know he was a gnome!
Alex: Well, now you gnome.
Kevin: The more you gnome!
Alex: And gnoming is half the battle!
Alex: Maybe he’ll want to keep the suit?
Pranav: There’s a hole in the suit.
Gina: A really BIG hole.
Alex: It allows him to poop without taking it off!
Gina: The hole is in the chest. Most creatures don’t poop out of their chests.
Kevin: But bleached gnomes are fancy!
Patrick: When we invite the kobolds to the kingdom, they can be radish farmers! We will teach them the secrets of radish farming!
Alex: You don’t need to argue with Ted. His name isn’t Andy.
Kevin and Gina: Yes we do.
Ryan: What crap stuff are we talking about?
Gina: Craft stuff. Craft.
Ted: Yes, no one needs to take a feat for Craft(Shit).
Kevin and Alex: That’s what YOU think.
Pranav: You need Performance!
Alex: I’m not playing Zelda anymore. I just started and I already set myself on fire.
Ted: This one has stuff you find automatically.
Kevin: You find AN AMBUSH.
Ted: You meet a crazy old hermit.
Ryan: Is it dangerous to go alone?
Pranav: When you said herald, I thought you said harem.
Ted: Would they all be Experts?
Kevin: But Experts at what?
Gina: Prostitution, obviously.
Kevin: The oldest profession.
Gina: I feel like there are no armed charges involved in politeness.
Ted: Alex, is your character a devotee of Brigh?
Kevin: You like cheese?
Kevin: They could be aphrodisiacs AND hallucinogens. That’s how you get half breeds.
Gina: That explains Krankor’s siblings.
Ryan: Mithril pots are lighter, and non-stick!
Kevin: He’s got a bigger and shinier Diplomacy than me.
Alex: Is that a dick joke?
Kevin: It’s not racist if it’s justified!
Patrick: You’re never biased when you’re right!
Ryan: See how ugly they are?
Kevin: I am pretty okay with murdering those things. You don’t even have to tell me what their alignment is.
Kevin: For a minute I thought you said giant sized PIGS and spiders!
Ted: Pranav has a 6 charisma.
Gina: He’s a barrister. That’s to be expected.
Kevin to Shosty: I’d pet you if you didn’t lick me!
Gina: That’s not an option, Kevin, like you can’t NOT fight with Andy!
Alex: I crit with my gun.
Patrick: He’s dead, Jim.
Ted: I thought you said giving people passive butts.
Kevin: It’s better than giving them ACTIVE butts.
Kevin: Shosty, are you an active butt?
Gina: You have to ask?
Pranav: One mite’s treasure is another man’s trash.
Kevin: I think there’s a whole lot more than one mite.
Ted: Starting your civilization on the basis of being a tourist attraction for giant centipede battles is a great plan!
Pranav: Or we can fill our dungeon where we throw prisoners with them!
Ryan: No, we just need to subdue the giant centipedes.
Kevin: For a second I thought you said seduce.
Ryan: Well, I don’t know what you’re into!
Ted: Our party is into all sorts of stuff.
Ryan: I am inspiring as fuck!
Alex: We can abandon his ass!
Kevin: No, you can’t! I’m not Andy!
Ryan: You should have taken fly if you didn’t want to be left behind!
Gina: The coke can is the spider – centipede?
Alex: Is that a dick joke?
Gina: Not everything is a dick joke.
Kevin: I’m not sure I agree with that.
Patrick: I’ve got a rope and grappling hook, Kevin. Do you want the end with the rope or the end with the hook?
Pranav: Just get the hook in him. I’ll heal him afterwards.
Kevin: Let’s not try that method first.
Pranav: Time is of the essence here!
Alex: What alignment is Brigh?
Ted: I think she’s Awful Neutral – Lawful, I mean.
Kevin: She’s Awful at being Neutral.
Alex: I’ll perform maintenance on my pistol every morning.
Kevin: It’s not really maintenance.
Alex: That was a dick joke.
Gina: Kevin, do you have Spellcraft?
Alex: My pony’s name is Spellcraft.
Ted: You find the body of two adventurers who were not nearly as lucky as Kevin to be able to cast Summon (Chump Blockers).
Alex: Oh, I thought you said it was a potion of DETECT Evil. Like you rub it on things to see if they’re evil!
Ted: It’s the pregnancy test strip of Detect Evil. ‘Here, will you go pee on this for me?’
Kevin: I’m weaker than a badger.
Gina: I have a 6 strength. What’s that?
Kevin: That’s the same as a pixie! The description is ‘knocked off balance by swinging something heavy!’
Patrick: Your pony is a normal pony.
Alex: Hey, my pony is named Charlie and is a fucking amazing pony.
Kevin: I thought his name was Spellcraft.
Alex: Oh yeah, I changed it. I forget it every five minutes.
Alex: So you’re telling me that all these mites watched us fight the centipede, watched Patrick strip a dead guy of armor, strip his own clothes off, and put on the armor, all for 10 minutes?
Kevin: They’re like ‘This is incredible – what do you think they’ll do next?’
Ted: And there’s a sack under the table.
Ryan: Is it a sad sack?
Gina: What’s that snake?
Ted: He’s not there.
Kevin: The aptly named ‘Sir Not Appearing in This Scene’.
Alex: Are you saying that this ‘mite’ be a problem?
Gina to Ryan: You are now the proud owner of a masterwork longspear. That’s not a dick joke. Though maybe it should be.
Ryan: I was about to say that.
Gina: I already like the kobold better than the Tengu.
Alex: The kobold is just going to hit on you, Gina.
Kevin: He’s a ko-BOLD.
Ted: She doesn’t have enough scales for that.
Ted: The mites are shaken!
Kevin: But not stirred.
Patrick: What does birdsong do?
Kevin: It summons birds.
Alex: This is a contest between Nakpik and Krankor. It’s like Gimli and Legolas.
Alex: Did we just make Nakpik the party face?
Alex: I’m going to walk in and do what the others are doing, but I want you to know that I’m imagining the Trial by Stone from the Dark Crystal.
Gina: I’m not racist against Tengus. I just don’t like Krankor.
Ted: Is there anything else you want to do with the kobolds here?
Ryan: At this point in time-
Kevin: Disco party!
Ted: Congratulations, Ryan, you find a bear trap.
Kevin: The hard way.
Alex: Nakpik’s character class is Chucklesniffer.
Ryan: That’s not a class, that’s a job.
Gina: They don’t hate me, but we’re not super friends.
Ryan: Wait, wait, are we building the Justice League?
Ted: Someone was probably scrying on you.
Ryan: I think it’s time to consult Jara.
Alex: Would he cook dinner for us?
Ted: I think it’s more likely that he would cook YOU for dinner. And yes, that was a racist bird joke.
Ted: Oh, they haven’t acted. The frogs are flat-footed till they act.
Pranav: They’re frogs. They’re always flat-footed.
Ryan: Wah wah wah.
Alex: Salted frog legs with a side of couscous! “Where did you get couscous?” I have my ways. (It’s actually frog poop.)
Alex: Sheesh, my golden turd is more diplomatic than your silver amulets!
Ryan: It’s half t-rex, half vuvuzela.
Patrick drops a bear mini on his own mini
Ted: A bear fell from the sky and killed you. Sorry.
Patrick: Drop Bears.
Alex: How would Erastul feel if I tore down this shrine and built it up as a shrine to Brigh?
Pranav: Just out of curiosity, are you considering a career as a bear? You could become an owlbear. Although in your case you’d be a crow-bear.
Ryan: I don’t know that we want to arm the fey.
Pranav: No, no, no, we get them drunk first, and THEN arm them.
Gina: I vote for building the prison ourselves.
Ryan: Does anyone else have any votes?
Pranav: Me and my -2 strength modifier say no manual labor.
Patrick: Do you think the fey would want a shaving kit?
Pranav: How many hit points do you have, Ryan?
Alex: I’m at 20 out of 20.
Pranav: I don’t care about you.
Alex: Nakpik and I hate each other. Resist and I are on good terms.
Ted: But Nakpik is slowly poisoning your relationship.
Ted: He gets a sneak attack
Gina: How does he get a sneak attack?!
Ted: Because he’s got a special do-hickey. And because he’s an asshole.
Ryan: And because he’s shit-faced.
Pranav: He has to make a Reflex Save every time he wants to “handle his weapon”. Which is covered in lube.
Gina: All the people that would enjoy your dick joke are not listening.
Ted: Wait, who made a dick joke?
Gina: I’m extremely reluctant to found a settlement on cursed ground
Alex: We founded America on Indian Burial Grounds!
Pranav: We ARE now experiencing Donald Trump.
Ted: So. Where are you going to from here?
Kevin: Celebratory Orgy.
Patrick: An orgy isn’t a good idea. All the cursed ground means that your children would be dhampirs.
Kevin: How else are we going to uncurse it? The blessing of LIFE!
Patrick: …Go on.
Pranav: Nakpik is going to set a swarm trap to summon a swarm to attack the swarm.
Alex: We have fangberry pie tonight! There’s a grilled balsamic spider leg drizzle on the top!
Ted: You are basically Walker Texas Ranger.
Alex: Fuck yeah!
Kevin: It does mean you are required to roundhouse kick someone at least once a month.
Ted: Finnan is in charge of the escort service
Ryan: I didn’t know it was that kind of caravan.
Kevin: Now you have to have a bard-off!
Ryan: I’ve been to bard-offs. Usually it involves getting shit-faced.
Gina: He’s a tiefling bard!
Kevin: That can be abbreviated ‘tard’!
Pranav: Would a tiefling fighter be abbreviated as a tie-fighter?
Kevin: She doesn’t have a boob window?
Gina: Boob windows are stupid. They are really good places to stick a sword. … Which is not a dick joke.
Ted: It’s much much bigger than you.
Alex: It’s not as big as my Diplomacy.
Gina: That WAS a dick joke.
Patrick: We need to disguise Krankor as its MATE to lure it into a false sense of security!
Alex: You don’t need to disguise me. I’m just that attractive.
Ted: Well, you are good at cooking things.
Alex: I don’t want to have a bun in the oven.
Ted: It could be your magnum opus! Cooking YOURSELF up and serving yourself as a meal!
Alex: Would I get a grit point for that?
Ted: Spending grit points to dodge attacks with a fork!
Alex: It IS a melee weapon!
Patrick: I cheat by coming back to life!
Ted: As a pixie, 100 years later, and a completely different gender?
Alex: My penis! It’s gone!
Ted: It was on its last legs. It’s dead now.
Gina: It’s a snake. It doesn’t have legs.
Kevin: It doesn’t anymore!
Gina: You could hit the one that Lumiriel is attacking.
Alex: I don’t know her yet. I don’t like her.
Gina: She’s purple.
Alex: It’s because she’s friends with that ELF WENCH.
Alex: That’s a 25 for snake cooking. It’s fucking delicious.
Ted: I thought it was strange that they required the foundry to be on the water.
Kevin: You have to dump your industrial waste somewhere!
Kevin: I just heard Patchwork Rhino. I don’t know what they are but I want one!
Gina: Aurelimar feels ashamed that he rolled so badly.
Kevin: As a Swift Action?
Gina: No, feeling ashamed is an Immediate Action.
Ted: Patrick eventually will be building a headquarters for the Legion of Skittering Dragons.
Gina: In the sewers!
Ryan: Do you want an adventurer problem? Because that’s how you get an adventurer problem!
Pranav: Can I build a ninja clan in the sewers?
Ted: Yes. The Foot Clan can absolutely be a thing.
Gina: Extraplanar prostitutes. That’s what this entire conversation is about.
Alex: Kevin only hires level 6 Paladins who are immune to disease.
Pranav: Just don’t skip out on the bill.
Kevin: Oh yeah. Don’t. Or you will be SMOTE.
Kevin: Alex, would you eventually be willing to outfit my prostitutes with cybernetics?
Kevin: I’m totally schmoozing.
Ted: Promoting the cause!
Gina: The cause of opening a brothel.
Kevin: The BEST cause!
Alex: She hates you so much that she calls you Ishiguro.
Kevin: The UNFORGIVABLE INSULT.
Ted: Patrick, do you have your password for the Obsidian Portal?
Kevin: The Obscene Portal?
Pranav: That should be the name of your brothel.
Kevin: Over the entrance of my brothel is going to be a sign that says, “Abandon all shame, all ye who enter here.”
Gina: Move the people out of their tents.
Patrick: Relax, you’re too tense.
Pranav: Alex, you have learned a very specific set of skills in restaurants all over the world. “If you fuck with us, I will kill you and cook you. But if you are nice to us, I’ll feed you.”
Kevin: I could have HARPY paladins immune to disease.
Ted: You’ve convinced them that you’re -
Alex: Everyone is probably gaping.
Kevin: I’m not making that face! I’m making signs that mean “TRAVELING ZOO”.
Alex: Is there any big game here?
Gina: There’s a rhino.
Gina: Ryan, we are now playing a game of Dances with Wolves.
Pranav: Can we make a corps-
Kevin: I can give you a whore.
Gina: You want a corpse?
Pranav: Can we make a corps of dire wolf riders?
Kevin: Only if they’re whores.
Patrick: The dire wolves?
Kevin: Hey, I’m not picky.
Alex: Do the others get XP for this?
Patrick: We experienced it!
Alex: You sat there listening to me growl.
Patrick: Which is a real experience for us!
Alex: Do we get any rolls for that?
Ryan: You can make pizza rolls!
Gina: That was terrible.
Ryan: I am more confident in his ability than that!
Gina: A mill would be useful.
Pranav: The more wood you get, the happier you are.
Gina: sputtering noises
Kevin: You walked into that one, Gina.
Gina: Torch is already a fully operational town.
Kevin: But it’s not yet a fully operational battle-station!
Ted: Patrick’s working on that.
Alex: I’m putting a ballroom into my restaurant.
Gina: Because you can dance if you want.
Pranav to Alex: You kept shining dancing lights in Nakpik’s eyes and weren’t paying attention. It’s YOUR fault you didn’t notice them.
Kevin: Think about the team for once!
Alex: But he’s a fucker. A chuckesniffer.
Alex: I’ll build a pier and then a restaurant on it!
Ted: It’ll be called Crow’s Crab Shack!
Alex: Eat at Crow’s!
Patrick: Do Gnomes count as vermin?
Alex: Nakpik is a kobold? I thought he was just an asshole.
Patrick: Instead of producing excrement, he produces duct tape.
Gina: They are fey, and not undead?
Ted: Yes, they’re fey.
Pranav: quietly Iron Beard.
Kevin: The next one will be a martial arts dojo called Crow’s Jab Shack.
Alex: I will build a cemetery here and call it the Rusty Crow!
Alex: Can I sneak up behind someone and put duct tape on their eyes? And then tearing it off does nonlethal damage!
Alex: I’m not psychic, I’m psycho!
Gina: Another option – we could make our OWN entrance.
Ryan: OH YEAH!
Ted: He has really excessive armpit feathers.
Alex: I need to get grease for the doors in the house.
Kevin: Or you can use bacon! Then your house will smell amazing! And you’ll get a baby who loves bacon!
Alex: For a few days, then it’ll rot and smell awful. And my baby will turn vegan and I’ll have to punish you.
Gina: And you have a ballroom in your Crow’s Nest.
Ryan: Was that a euphemism? Because it sounds like it was.
Ryan: Alex, your mouth keeps making noises, but all I’m hearing is “please punch me in the dick”.
Kevin: The courtyard is covered? What holds up the ceiling?!
Kevin: Fucking elves.
Kevin: Shooty spent his turn taking 18 damage.
Patrick: You don’t want to jam too hard.
Alex: Woah woah woah woah!
Ryan: Is that a euphemism?
Alex: I shoot that guy, then stick the smoking barrel against your bleeding wound. What do you do?
Gina: I scream.
Alex: “Sorry, I had to put out my cigarette!”
Ted: It’s dead enough.
Kevin: Dead enough for government work!
Gina: Okay, that’s 5 Celestial Healing. Kevin, how many for you?
Kevin: I’m unharmed! What have you guys been doing that you need healing? I’ve been standing around making entangle checks!
Ted: There are rumors of trolls to the southwest.
Pranav: It’s the spider troll god and its clockwork minions!
Ted: People are going fucking wild over your cake.
Alex: It was filled with the finest black tar heroin.
Ted: I was going to say you invented funnel cake, but that’s maybe the same thing.
Alex: Everything is bigger in Texas. that was not a dick joke. Though it could have been.
Ted: U2 has an abandoned ferry.
Gina: And some terrible music.
Ted: What do you do with this message, Alex?
Alex: I shoot fireworks into the air!
Kevin: Adventurers Assemble
Ted: Kevin, I have a job for you.
Outside the house: KRACKOOOOM!!
Kevin: It’s a very dramatic job.
Gina: 16 peasants!? That’s a lot of peasants!
Patrick: We paid a lot of money for this farm!
Ted: Kevin, you don’t have to draw the buildings along the edges of each hex. You can just draw a rectangle!
Kevin: No. These are the rectangles that my OCD demands.
Alex: Kevin, you were 8 minutes late. You have to draw a rectangle.
Kevin: I refuse. I reject your rectangle and substitute my own.
Kevin looking at the miniatures : There are a lot of bar wenches in this town.
Alex: Why is there a little kid in the bar with the wenches?
Patrick: This is a French farm.
Alex: Why are Kevin’s whores working in the mines?
Kevin: Because they’re strip miners!
Alex and Kevin gleeful fistbump
Ted: One tears a panel off the wagon.
Kevin: A panel?? what kind of wagon is this? a station wagon?
Alex: Kevin, you had me on the wrong hex.
Kevin: You had me at Hello!
Kevin: Mr. Gorbachev’s villagers, tear down this village!
Kevin: Robots hate the living.
Alex: Light a fire. I’ll pee it out.
Ryan: You’re a bird. You can’t aim.
Pranav: Alex, Nakpik killed a guy.
Alex: Alex is laying down on the ground taking a nap.
Patrick: With a hat over his face and a bit of grass in his beak.
Ryan: It’s necromancy. Apparently I’m becoming a gothic bard.
Alex: You’re summoning a donkey fart?
Kevin: They’re not that dissimilar.
Patrick: We can make a new law, and still execute them, because we don’t care about Ex Post Facto laws!
Alex: Remember when I said I was a Shit Crafter?
Ted: We have hills.
Kevin: Do the hills have eyes?
Gina: Are the hills alive with the sound of music?
Ryan: Alex, when you shoot that dart gun with healing potions, you have to shout, “SENSU BEAN!”
Alex: So you’re turning me into Corin?
Ryan: No. Krillin.
Ted: So, he does thank you-
Kevin: Thank you for conquering my home!
Alex: Let it be known that I’m building the Crow Show. It’s a dinner theater.
Kevin: What happened to Crow’s Jab Shack?
Alex: That’s the comedy hall. It’s coming.
Ted: He was down visiting the firearms facility, because he wants to improve his water purification system-
Kevin: With firearms!
Gina: We need to deal with the trolls.
Pranav: We need to deal with the troll RUMORS.
Kevin: Who’s trolling us with rumors?
Gina: The next day we head into-
Patrick: We can’t settle Ravenloft!
Ryan: THE FUCK WE CAN’T.
Patrick: We send them and they can’t come back!
Gina: So we’re turning Ravenloft into Australia?
Ryan: Isn’t that what Ravenloft already is?
Ted: It says “the kingdom approves this bounty”. WHO approves it? You guys are paying yourselves?
Gina: We voted in Congress to raise our salary because we killed wolves.
Ryan: I’m going to stabify the wolf.
Alex: Did you say you are going to satisfy the wolf?!
Ryan: I changed my mind.
Alex: I know we did that whole section with dances with wolves, but I didn’t think we took it that far!
Alex: It is my professional opinion that Nakpik is dead.
Patrick: Your professional opinion is worthless.
Gina: Sneazel, I don’t need your fur in my wine.
Kevin: But – I need to be involved.
Kevin: I’m going to cast Create Pit.
Alex: You’re going to put it in front of them?
Kevin: In front of them? I’m going to put them IN it!
Alex: Then I can’t shoot them.
Kevin: That sounds like a personal problem.
Ted: He’s a Wight Lord.
Gina: What does that mean?
Kevin: He hates black people.
Gina: Is there any way that Shouty can survive an attack by Alex, Kevin, me, and Patrick? Oh wait, Patrick’s dead.
Alex: Gina. Too soon.
Ted: Patrick gets to roll for Oxzig.
Patrick: He shoots shit.
Gina: He needs to see a gastroenterologist.
Pranav: Patrick, do you want to start a club for wight supremacy?
Kevin: So what you’re saying is #notallwights?
Alex: Wight lives matter?
Gina: Pyria doesn’t count as a pile of excrement, does she?
Ryan: Literally, or metaphorically?
Ted: There are rules for undead-descended children.
Patrick: Like dhampirs for vampires!
Alex: What about wights?
Patrick: They become KKK members. They come out with those cone hats.
Alex: I rolled a 20 for diplomacy!
Kevin: That’s not the Diplomacy you should have rolled a 20 with.
Alex: Kevin’s a wight supremacist.
Gina: I don’t care.
Kevin: Thanks for having my back, Gina.
Gina: This like every bad joke ever – a kobold and a wight walk into a temple.
Alex: Patrick, your character looks fucking horrifying!
Patrick: Your character looks fucking horrifying also.
Gina and Kevin: You have a point.
Kevin: I’m not wild about this plan. I mean, I’m not going to veto it like the “let’s seal ourselves in a box, give it to the wight, and let the wight tow you through toxic sludge” plan. But I’m not wild about it.
Ted: Mayanda’s either an idiot, or she’s malicious.
Kevin: Or a malicious idiot.
Alex: Someone eat it, poop it out, and then we use that stuff on it to reconstitute the animal.
Gina: That would reconstitute the bone, not the animal.
Alex: That’s bullshit.
Gina: No, it’s Krankor poop.
Ted: BS stands for both Bull Shit and Bird Shit!
Alex: Touche, sir.
Alex: I don’t bathe. I have enough ranks.
Patrick: That’s the great thing about this! I’m supposed to die, so I just throw myself out front!
Alex: If we ever play with Andy again, we need to make him an undead character that is supposed to die!
Pranav: There’s a problem with this plan. It’s Andy, so all of the rest of us would die, and he’d be fine!
Ted: Patrick, these guys pile into you and all miss.
Patrick: I stand there confidently and say, “How many times must I tell you, your weapons cannot affect me?”
Kevin: They seemed to have important things to do, and we had a pool of toxic sludge to investigate!
Ted: It’s the symbol of the god of accidental death and tragedy.
Alex: Please tell me it’s a picture of Andy.
Kevin: No, that’s RECKLESS death and tragedy!
Kevin: There’s nothing wrong with spreading malicious stereotypes about undead.
Ted: There’s a black access card.
Kevin: A blackcess card?
Ted: Whoever built this place liked lots and lots of doors.
Alex: Was it Tedward Martin? I’ve seen you play Minecraft.
Kevin: I think Patrick should level drain it to death. Nothing bad could possibly come out of that!
Patrick: Let’s feed it and let it kill us, and we’ll make a new party of fungus people!
Kevin: We could all reroll as Vege-pigmies!
Pranav: Let’s take them to the telepathic room with the fungus creature.
Kevin: They’re going to end up worshiping that thing. Just calling it. Then it will order them to kill us.
Gina: Then we will be able to slaughter them without compunction and get the XP from them!
Kevin: Good point.
Gina: Send Nakpik in! He’s a kobold – he probably lived in his own poop!
Ryan: Probably STILL lives.
Kevin: You make a good point.
Ted: I rolled a natural 20, and -
Kevin: You’re now a cyborg wight.
Alex: And your cybernetic leg gives you a 30 foot move speed!
Patrick: I can lash out with my 9 foot leg!
Alex: That was a dick joke.
Ryan: It was a reference to a dick joke.
Patrick: So, I hit Boney.
Alex and Ryan: snicker
Ted: Gina, Boney takes 1 damage.
Patrick: Oxzig is technically contributing! It’s going to be his tagline – “I’m helping!”
Ted: Boney deals 1 damage right back to you.
Pranav: They’re basically having a slap fight over there.
Ted: They’re going to bull rush past you.
Alex: They don’t know I have combat reflexes. And I have a massive dex.
Pranav: THAT was a dick joke.
Ted: The other clockwork guy needs to go attack Patrick, because he’s been standing in the corner like a tool.
Gina: He IS a robot.
Patrick: How many hit points does this guy have?
Gina: Did you pull that number out of your butt?
Ted: At least you’re honest about it, unlike Trump.
Ted: They’re going to move through that big clump of you, provoking from everyone.
Kevin: Most of our melee fighters are up ahead.
Gina: I have a longsword!
Ryan: I have a spear! … and my axe!
Alex: I’m going to autograpnel out of this mess.
Gina: Alex, are you going to continue your time-honored tradition of running away in the heat of battle when he need you the most?
Alex: No! I’m going to go kill the boss!
Pranav: Krankor has suddenly realized that he’s left Nakpik alone with the boss.
Ted: This is Marvin the Paranoid Android in Gearsman form! He sits around and just can’t be bothered to do anything.
Kevin: He’s already in the corner! He just need to sit down and pout!
Ryan: From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee!
Alex: We can kill her! Just blow up the reactor!
Gina and Ryan: stare
Kevin: I endorse this plan.
Gina: She wouldn’t tell us who her deity was!
Ted: She said that was private and didn’t want to tell you.
Patrick: So she wasn’t very Evangelical.
Pranav: Considering all the robots, I think it’s more Evangelion than Evangelical.