Stolen Kings and Iron Gods

Nakpik Saves the Day

4/15/17 Game

Important Notes:
We originally marked the caves as C. They are actually an L. The map has been updated accordingly.

Ted says to remind him that we’re looking for places to build settlements and forts and mines and such. There are places on the map that we get discounts or free resources if we put settlements and mines and stuff.

We are using the medium advancement track for experience and loot.

Session Funnies:
Alex: You don’t need to argue with Ted. His name isn’t Andy.
Kevin and Gina: Yes we do.

Ryan: What crap stuff are we talking about?
Gina: Craft stuff. Craft.
Ryan: Ohhhh!
Ted: Yes, no one needs to take a feat for Craft(Shit).
Kevin and Alex: That’s what YOU think.
Pranav: You need Performance!

Alex: I’m not playing Zelda anymore. I just started and I already set myself on fire.

Ted: This one has stuff you find automatically.
Kevin: You find AN AMBUSH.

Ted: You meet a crazy old hermit.
Ryan: Is it dangerous to go alone?

Pranav: When you said herald, I thought you said harem.
Ted: Would they all be Experts?
Kevin: But Experts at what?
Gina: Prostitution, obviously.
Kevin: The oldest profession.

Gina: I feel like there are no armed charges involved in politeness.

Ted: Alex, is your character a devotee of Brigh?
Kevin: You like cheese?

Kevin: They could be aphrodisiacs AND hallucinogens. That’s how you get half breeds.
Gina: That explains Krankor’s siblings.

Ryan: Mithril pots are lighter, and non-stick!

Kevin: He’s got a bigger and shinier Diplomacy than me.
Alex: Is that a dick joke?

Kevin: It’s not racist if it’s justified!
Patrick: You're never biased when you’re right!

Ryan: See how ugly they are?
Kevin: I am pretty okay with murdering those things. You don’t even have to tell me what their alignment is.

Kevin: For a minute I thought you said giant sized PIGS and spiders!

Ted: Pranav has a 6 charisma.
Gina: He’s a barrister. That’s to be expected.

Kevin to Shosty: I’d pet you if you didn’t lick me!
Gina: That’s not an option, Kevin, like you can’t NOT fight with Andy!
Kevin: True.

Alex: I crit with my gun.
Patrick: He’s dead, Jim.

Ted: I thought you said giving people passive butts.
Kevin: It’s better than giving them ACTIVE butts.

Kevin: Shosty, are you an active butt?
Gina: You have to ask?

Pranav: One mite’s treasure is another man’s trash.
Kevin: I think there's a whole lot more than one mite.

Ted: Starting your civilization on the basis of being a tourist attraction for giant centipede battles is a great plan!
Pranav: Or we can fill our dungeon where we throw prisoners with them!

Ryan: No, we just need to subdue the giant centipedes.
Kevin: For a second I thought you said seduce.
Ryan: Well, I don't know what you're into!
Ted: Our party is into all sorts of stuff.

Ryan: I am inspiring as fuck!

Alex: We can abandon his ass!
Kevin: No, you can’t! I’m not Andy!
Ryan: You should have taken fly if you didn’t want to be left behind!

Gina: The coke can is the spider – centipede?
Kevin: Spiderpede?

Alex: Is that a dick joke?
Gina: Not everything is a dick joke.
Kevin: I’m not sure I agree with that.

Patrick: I’ve got a rope and grappling hook, Kevin. Do you want the end with the rope or the end with the hook?
Pranav: Just get the hook in him. I’ll heal him afterwards.
Kevin: Let’s not try that method first.
Pranav: Time is of the essence here!


  • Bokken – “crazy” old hermit; he makes potions and makes them extra tasty. He will give us a discount on potions if we find some fangberries for him.
  • Nakpik – a Sootscale kobold we rescued from the mites
  • Grabbles – leader of the mites

Quest Hooks:

  • Bokken’s Fangberries – he wants some fangberries because he’s old. Enough to make a decent number of potions. He’ll give us a discount on potions purchased directly from him.
  • Treasure Map – the treasure map is NOT in hex R, where the sycamore is

Notable Locations:

  • L: Caves that might have kobolds in it. There’s a gold ore vein here! Good place to set up a mine eventually. We didn’t find any kobolds.
  • W: has fangberries here
  • D: where the hermit lives
  • R: Giant sycamore tree, formerly the haunt of mites and giant centipedes.

Game Notes:
The party leaves the kobolds to their radishes and continues exploring.

Hex H contains nothing of note besides the dead spider Krankor ruined. In Hex D we come upon a crazy hermit! Well, he’s not actually crazy. Shelynion and Pyria approach the house, with the rest of us strung out hobbit-and-Beorn-style. Shelynion did the talking, so he gets to be Gandalf. I guess that makes Pyria Bilbo.
The hermit’s name is Bokken. He is a potion maker and he is good at making them palatable. He can make potions of any second level or lower cleric or wizard spell. He is dubious about our presence at first but warms up to us after a short conversation. Since we are obviously adventurers, he has a request (of course, everyone does). He needs some fangberries to make his potions tastier and gives us directions on how to find them.
Shelynion asks about the bandits. He avoids them as much as possible, and the bandits leave him alone because he can defend himself. We buy some potions from him.
With that, we’ve explored all of the hexes around Torch, so we go back to town and deliver the radishes to Svetlana. She pays us 250 gp.

Then it’s back to exploring. Our plan is to go explore L more fully, where there may be kobolds, then hit the sycamore, get the fangberries, and then go back to the hermit.

In L we find a crack in the hillside and Resist sees something shiny inside. We explore. There’s a cave and we find a vein of gold ore! There is some discussion about hiding the vein, but in the end, we decide that we’ll leave it alone and not make it any more obvious (through our inept attempts) than it already is. But we’ve marked it on the map. Krankor uses his hammer to steal a little raw ore off of it.

Hex R has nothing interesting besides the giant sycamore. Fortunately, Krankor and Ishri are paying attention and spot several mites leaving the sycamore and bolting in different directions. There is some brief discussion (read: argument) over whether or not to try diplomacy with the mites. No firm conclusion is reached, because the players all know how this is going to go down (mites are ugly and eeeeeevil), but half of the characters would still try.

The entrance is in a hole in the ground (there lived a hobbit). Krankor tries to shove Pyria into the hole and then claims he was just goofing around. She gives him a frosty stare. Then both of them climb into the hole, followed by Shelynion, Resist, and Ishri. Lauresselin is left standing with all of the horses (and the pony and the rhino) and tells them that they are all idiots and we need to find a place to hide the horses. Krankor and Pyria sheepishly climb back out and help her find a small cave nearby. The rhino is told to GUARD. He looks very intimidating.

Then we all finally go into the cave. The hole leads to a tunnel going east and west. We go east and find a room with a bunch of giant centipedes, one mite, and a bunch of giant centipede eggs. Krankor and Pyria are in front and don’t want to try diplomacy, so they attack. There is no loot here, besides the centipede eggs. They may be worth about 250 gp if we can find someone to sell them to. But they are large and heavy, so we leave them there.

The next room is full of mites and what they would consider treasure but is really trash. The party attacks, but a few of them escape down the tunnel. The only treasure here is a book containing 2 cleric spells that Resist can learn. Since they fled east, the party decides to go back to the west and come at them from a different direction. After another room and some more dead mites, the party comes to a room where several kobolds are strung up over a large crevasse. They have obviously been tortured to death. One of the kobolds is still alive. The entire party is not okay with this, so a valiant rescue is enacted. Several more of the mites flee, but the rest are killed. Resist heals the kobold, who is extremely grateful. So grateful that he actually deigns to dirty his tongue with Common.

This kobold is another Sootscale, and his name is Nakpik. He is the last surviving member of a band of kobolds that tried to attack the nasty blue mites in order to reclaim their Sacred Statue, stolen by the mites. He believes that Grabbles, chief of the mites, probably has it. He asks us to help. The party agrees. In keeping with the theme of the Hobbit, Nakpik gets to be Golum, and clearly the Statue is the Ring. (It’s probably actually a piece of trash. Either that or a 20 ft golden idol).

The mites fled across the crevasse, which is crisscrossed by a large number of roots of the sycamore. Some of the party try to jump, and others try to climb. Shelynion, Krankor, Resist, and Lauresselin (the latter to some astonishment) jump over. Pyria attempts to help Ishri jump across, but both she and the eidolon fall into the pit. It’s not deep, but it turns out that there is a MASSIVE centipede in it.

In the epic battle with the monster, the eidolon is killed and returns to its home plane. Ishri backs up and begins to frantically summon celestial dogs as magical meat shields. Some of them even do damage to it. The centipede is confused and can’t figure out where all these dogs keep coming from and why they disappear just when they are dead enough to eat.

Nakpik runs back to the previous room to arm himself. Pyria tries to throw a rope to Ishri after failing to damage the centipede with his sword but fails. Krankor unloads his gun repeatedly on its tough hide, while Resist and Lauresselin pelt it with Ray of Frost. Shelynion waves his magical banner and encourages us with his impressive oratory skills, which magically makes everyone more efficient at killing things. Nakpik runs in with his dagger and makes a valiant attack, taking down the centipede at last with a grandiose move.

Nakpik and Krankor have an argument about kill-stealing. It is as absurd as you might think an argument between a little lizardman and a giant anthropomorphic crow about killing things would be. They are both extremely self-centered.

We end the game with Nakpik and Pyria on one side of the crevasse, Ishri down below, and the rest of the party on the far side. 11 total mites have escaped, 1 of whom is injured for 4 damage. Shelynion has one more round of Bardsong available for the day.


chandrak ginamartin

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