Stolen Kings and Iron Gods

Lions and Tigers and (Owl)Bears, Oh My!

4/29/17 Game

Important Notes:
Oleg and Val are now “helpful” towards the party, while Dolga and Oskah remain neutral.
Aurelimar has earned 6 Influence in Torch.
Ryan, Kevin, and Gina are still being pranked by the fey. Alex, Patrick, and Pranav are not, at least at present.

Session Funnies:
Alex: Nakpik’s character class is Chucklesniffer.
Ryan: That’s not a class, that’s a job.

Gina: They don’t hate me, but we’re not super friends.
Ryan: Wait, wait, are we building the Justice League?

Ted: Someone was probably scrying on you.
Ryan: I think it’s time to consult Jara.

Alex: Would he cook dinner for us?
Ted: I think it’s more likely that he would cook YOU for dinner. And yes, that was a racist bird joke.

Ted: Oh, they haven’t acted. The frogs are flat-footed till they act.
Pranav: They’re frogs. They’re always flat-footed.
Ryan: Wah wah wah.

Alex: Salted frog legs with a side of couscous! “Where did you get couscous?” I have my ways. (It’s actually frog poop.)

Alex: Sheesh, my golden turd is more diplomatic than your silver amulets!

Ryan: It’s half t-rex, half vuvuzela.

Patrick drops a bear mini on his own mini
Ted: A bear fell from the sky and killed you. Sorry.
Patrick: Drop Bears.

Alex: How would Erastul feel if I tore down this shrine and built it up as a shrine to Brigh?
Pranav: Just out of curiosity, are you considering a career as a bear? You could become an owlbear. Although in your case you’d be a crow-bear.

Ryan: I don’t know that we want to arm the fey.
Pranav: No, no, no, we get them drunk first, and THEN arm them.

Gina: I vote for building the prison ourselves.
Ryan: Does anyone else have any votes?
Pranav: Me and my -2 strength modifier say no manual labor.

Patrick: Do you think the fey would want a shaving kit?

Pranav: How many hit points do you have, Ryan?
Alex: I’m at 20 out of 20.
Pranav: I don’t care about you.

Alex: Nakpik and I hate each other. Resist and I are on good terms.
Ted: But Nakpik is slowly poisoning your relationship.

Ted: He gets a sneak attack
Gina: How does he get a sneak attack?!
Ted: Because he’s got a special do-hickey. And because he’s an asshole.
Ryan: And because he’s shit-faced.

Pranav: He has to make a Reflex Save every time he wants to “handle his weapon”. Which is covered in lube.
Gina: All the people that would enjoy your dick joke are not listening.
Ted: Wait, who made a dick joke?

Gina: I’m extremely reluctant to found a settlement on cursed ground
Alex: We founded America on Indian Burial Grounds!
Pranav: We ARE now experiencing Donald Trump.

*Raz Keshar – a lich, owner of Ishri and an acquaintance of Shelynion’s; a patron of the Simarith family bookstore (although they do not know he is a lich)
*Breeg – the dead jerk hunter

Quest Hooks:
*Scrying – someone is scrying on us; we have a signal to give if anyone notices the scrying spell (Nakpik will turn his scales bright pink while the rest of us will make a sign)
*The Bandits have been defeated
*Tuskgutter – dead, and we’ve gotten the reward

Notable Locations:

  • K – Kressle’s camp
  • I – Contains hot springs, the source of the Skunk River
  • J – Contains a temple of Erastus
  • P – Contains Tuskgutter’s lair
  • Q – contains a really really rickety bridge over the river; need to search fully
  • X – contains a ford; need to search fully


  • Pharast 18 – Start, at the Scar of the Spider
  • Pharast 19 – 20 – Searching Hex I, frogs and scrying
  • Pharast 21 – 22 – Searching Hex J, temple
  • Pharast 23 – Thunderstorms
  • Pharast 24 – 25 – Searching P, Tuskgutter
  • Pharast 26 – 27 – Traveling back to Torch
  • Pharast 28 – Day spent in town
  • Pharast 29 – Traveling south
  • Pharast 30 – Defeat of the Stag Lord

Game Notes:
Magical Timewarp: the last time we were in Torch, Aurelimar got a letter from Raz Keshar (the lich), a patron of the Simarith bookstore. He needs Aurelimar to transcribe a couple of ancient tomes, because he has someone who wants to borrow them, and he would rather pay someone he trusts to transcribe them than lend them to a relative stranger. It would take a couple of weeks, but he will pay 500 gp for this task. He included a sending stone in the letter so that Aurelimar could send a reply.

Aurelimar used the stone to agree, and a pair of old-looking tomes appeared next to him. They look very old, and they are written in Androphan. Aurelimar doesn’t need to translate them (and can’t, as he doesn’t know Androphan). Lauresselin uses Comprehend Languages, Linguistics, and Knowledge(Arcana) to determine that they are some kind of treatise on ancient magic and spell casting, including discussions of elements of using arcane and divine magic together. They are probably tomes used by a cult of Lamashtu.

While the party is off exploring, Aurelimar spends his time transcribing these two tomes and doing work for various people in town. In particular, he works for Oleg, Val, Oskah, and Dolga, and he manages to get Val and Oleg to helpful instead of neutral. In the two weeks we are gone, he does four days of work and (using downtime rules) manages to earn 6 Influence.

Back to the present! We continue exploring south and east. In Hex I, we feel watched. Nakpik spots a weird distortion floating in the air. As soon as he points it out, it vanishes. It was a magical Sensor! Someone was using either scrying or a detection spell. It was probably an active scrying spell. Lauresselin suggests a signal for everyone to make if we spot a scrying spell so that they don’t notice that they’re noticed, and everyone will turn on detect magic. Nakpik will turn his scales hot pink.

In the same hex, we find a set of hot springs that smell like sulfur. They are the source of the Skunk River. They are home to a pair of giant frogs, BTW, and we have to roll initiative right now. The frogs go down easily, and Krankor roasts them with a delicious sauce, which may or may not be made from frog poop. The rest of us swim in the hot springs.

In the morning, we all wake up to find that we have glowing blue mustaches, which were made with a spell similar to arcane mark. Everyone agrees that we need to leave another offering. Krankor wants to prank the fey back, so he persuades Lauresselin to use prestidigitation to turn a poop into a pile of gold. He also leaves shiny rocks. Shelynion and Lauresselin leave silver amulets, and Resist leaves a potion.

In the next Hex J, the party comes to a ruin. There’s a giant rock outcrop carved with an elk, with a pool in front of it and a cave up some steps beneath the elk. It is a shrine to Erastul (nature deity). Inside the cave is a giant undead bear monster, probably a man cursed by Erastus. Nakpik shoots it a ton, Ishri shoots it, and Pyria charges it and it’s dead. The shrine cleanses itself when the bear dies, and the pool becomes (possibly temporarily) a pool of Cure Light Wounds.

We don’t find any treasure, but we camp here and Lauresselin and Shelynion clean up the cave. The next day there’s a massive thunderstorm, and rather than get struck by lightening and turned into cinders, we stay in the cave again.

The next hex (P) has a fallen tree with a boar den, a really really big boar. Probably Tuskgutter. He’s out, so we are going to lay a trap. We dig a pit and Nakpik rigs a trap. We kill it in the pit. Krankor decapitates it and we eat its roasted flesh. The head we take back to Oleg.

We pass through Hex Q to get back to Torch, which we have not visited. There is a deep gulch that the thorn river passes through. There’s a rickety-looking bridge. We don’t cross the bridge because we don’t want it to collapse and all die (this is becoming a theme). So we head up-river into Hex K to detour around.

The next day while we’re out in the plains, we are surrounded by squirrels. Dozens and dozens of them, all asleep, around Shelynion, Ishri, and Lauresselin. Pyria, Resist, and Krankor are not. The squirrels wake up and freak out and bite the first three. Ouch! Lauresselin makes a little carving of wood of a sprite making a silly face. Shelynion attempts a performance, but he performs to empty woods.

When we reach Torch, we turn in the boar head to Oleg, who hands over the reward. We mention to him that we found the dead guy in a trap. The guy is named Breeg, and no one is sad that he’s dead. He’s a jerk, apparently.

The party decides to spend the next day in town, doing a variety of things. Lauresselin buys food for the party and spends some time with Aurelimar. She also collects the herbal liquor from him to use as offerings for the fey. Pyria sells her old armor and looks through the markets for something to use for her own offerings. Resist drifts through town talking to people. Ishri and Krankor just hang out around the bar.
Oskah stops by to talk to Shelynion about the prisoners. She wants to build a jail, which will cost 12 goods, 10 labor, and 2 influence. We can either donate the money, or do some of the labor ourselves. It would take us about a week or so. Shelynion gets input from the party and decides to give her the money.
Shelynion does his best Batman impression and talks to the bandits. Apparently they’ve been in a stable for the past three weeks and are cold. Kressle is much more willing to talk at this point.
She tells him that she was part of a group that was attacked by the Stag Lord’s bandits, and they attempted to rape her. It went very poorly for them. She killed them all. The Stag Lord was impressed, so he hired her instead of having her murdered. She thinks he is totally nuts, but he is very strong. His camp is an old ruined abbey on a hill. There’s only one entrance from the front. The ground around the fort is supposedly cursed and they have been told never to enter except by the front gate.

The king decides that The Time Has Come. The party departs to bring justice upon the unrepentant heads of the Stag Lord and his Barbaric Bandit Brigade.

We pass through Hex X, which we find contains a ford across the river. When we arrive, Nakpik does his thing and scouts the fort. We decide not to risk the cursed ground and go straight up the road. Shelynion goes out front, of course, to demand their surrender. Nakpik sneakily climbs over the wall in order to be ready to open it for us, while Pyria prepares to open up a hole in the gate using a portable ram strapped to her rhino’s face (which as always requires the use of the magic words “OH YEAHHH”).

The bandits, of course, try to fill Shelynion with arrows instead of surrendering. Pyria knocks on the door and invites us all inside. Nakpik starts murdering bandits from the shadows and they can’t see him even when he’s standing right in front of them. Krankor shoots everything repeatedly, while Ishri uses her crossbow, and her eidolon mauls things. Lauresselin gets one-shot and nearly dies, but Resist comes to her rescue and shoves a potion down her throat. She spends the rest of the fight lying on the ground shooting people with spells. Every round, more and more bandits come out, some along the roof and walkways, and Pyria decides to use her ram-faced rhino to break some pillars to knock them down. It works quite well. Shelynion and Ishri toss out some grease spells. One unlucky bandit gets greased and spends the entire rest of combat trying to get up and falling on his butt again. A swashbuckler guy come out, and he brings his friendly neighborhood owlbear to play. Lauresselin attempts to color spray them and gets only the swashbuckler, who is now the focus of the owlbear because it hates his guts. Resist color sprays the owlbear a second time and stuns it, and Krankor and Shelynion do a large amount of damage and kill it before it gets another round. We plan to take the swashbuckler prisoner, but Pyria, who is finally done with knocking bandits down and killing them, doesn’t hear and charges the guy and clefts him in twain. At this point, the one poor greased bandit curls up in a pathetic heap and cries, hoping we will think he is dead.

At last, the Stag Lord, roaring drunk, makes an appearance and shoots Krankor and then Pyria full of holes. The eidolon goes in to try and get his attention and then suddenly finds itself back on its home plane, so to speak. Ishri summons more dogs, and Shelynion greases the Stag Lord’s weapon (which is NOT a euphemism). He drops it because now it is slippery and takes out knives instead. There is some flanking and more stabbing, and Shelynion makes a dick joke. He gets pranked again by the mysterious fey, but his longspear manages to not get shrunk. He has a sign on his back that reads “now THAT’S a dick joke!” The Stag Lord goes down at last.

We loot all the corpses and discover that the one surviving guy crawled off in the middle of the fight. We send Nakpik around to search, and he comes back to tell us that there are creepy noises coming from the basement and he isn’t going down there alone! He knows how horror movies always play out, obviously.

We go down into the cellar and find a large trove of stolen goods but nothing making noises. We start sorting through it and then suddenly a crazy druid man comes out of the wall and attacks! We have to put him down. He is unfortunately actually mad, foaming at the mouth mad, and there is no talking to him.

We finish looting. Unfortunately, the Stag Lord is NOT one of those bad guys who writes down the entire plot in his journal, so we don’t know anything that we didn’t before. But he does have another of those green crystal shards. However, there is a massive amount of loot in the cellar, enough to give us 3 BP when we start our kingdom (or ~11,000gp, which is enough to make a Banner of Ancient Kings).

We begin to discuss where to start the kingdom and decide that that is a discussion that needs everyone present and more time to discuss.


chandrak ginamartin

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